Look who’s talking… balancing the triangle

“You have two ears and one mouth… and you should use them in that proportion.” So said the Greek slave Epictetus’ in a slightly less catchy fashion. I’m not sure if his master held regular 1:1 sessions but I’m pretty sure that some modern wage-slaves in Greece can apply this to their current boss’s communications style.

As with most good things, communication is a balancing act. There are a number of ways to blend the content, style and volume of your approach – I often challenge leaders in my organization to attempt speak for no more than 20% of an interview or coaching conversation (surprisingly difficult), or 50% of a 1:1. Indeed the balance I most often find myself striving for is that between speaking on a topic, questioning others and listening. In my mind this looks something like:

It’s tempting to adopt one of these as our primary communication approach, our signature style, no matter what the situation. It’s likely that one approach is more comfortable for us or one we revert to under pressure. A few years ago I realised that when I am comfortable I  readily advocate and the more uncomfortable I am the more time I spend listening. Our goal as leaders is to actively decide how to achieve balance based on the situation and context (rather than their own comfort level) and choose wisely.

Advocating is often the comfortable preserve of many leaders who choose to sharing the benefit of their wisdom, offer unique insight or give clear direction. This is also the road to ‘talking out of your arse’ as an old Australian colleague once accused me of after I’d finally ended my impassioned rhetoric on some minor point (I’m sure he was probably bang on). However in a crisis or challenge when a more directive management style is required then advocating a clear approach could be striking the right balance. Equally important is for the passionate leader who uses advocacy communication to ‘call out’ the necessary. To fight the corner for diversity, demand the right outcome for a customer or consider the impact on our community is perhaps using advocacy to speaking from the heart (rather than the arse).

At a recent party, a very flattered pal told me how much she ‘loved’ a new acquaintance as he was so very interesting. I do not know a good deal about him as throughout the dinner conversation he shared nothing of himself but asked a good many questions about my friend and I (which I  admit we took great joy in answering at length). For many of us our favorite topic is ourselves (a subject on which we believe ourselves world experts) and a strong enquirer ensures a positive response by creating us opportunity for us to do just that! Equally we all love our own ideas so the clever use of open questions by a manager can generate excellent ideas from their employees and commitment to following them through. Too many questions though and you risk coming across with all the personality and authenticity of a lamé jacketed game show host or late night radio interviewer. Even when grilling a candidate in a job interview you should manage the balance between questioning and listing to the candidate and advocating the role and organization.

Listening is a truly powerful tool – providing your body language is also shouting out active listening and not ‘asleep’. When your team member has finished articulating a concept, thought or idea leave a longer than usual pause – it’s often surprising (in a good way) the additional information that comes to you as your employee feels the need to ‘fill’ the conversational gap. This is a particularly powerful tool in interviewing and coaching.

Too much listening in a team setting and you’re not seen as an active participant; people will question why you’re there (unless you're a government regulator in which case they may just be fearful!). I received some interesting advice before my first leadership meeting. A former colleague suggested 'if you don't have anything to add, ask a good question. If you don't have  a good question, ask a stupid one and hope no one notices' (confusingly he was the same leader who later proffered the thought ' there are no stupid questions, just stupid people'). I believe this advice is intended to show the importance of contributing to the discussion and the helpfulness of questions as a device to enable this.

The power of asking questions (within a thoughtful balance) and then listening is truly immense. People’s minds and actions are often more readily changed through smart questions than through smart demands.

So, be thoughtful about your own conversational balance – where do you spend your time and how does this differ by situation - advocating; listening; questioning. Is it the considered balance you wish to achieve?

To plagiarise our Greek slave,  you have two ears for listening, one mouth for questioning and a heart (or arse) for advocating – use all three, and use them wisely.